Recipe for a Colonoscopy
What do a colonoscopy and Mountain Dew have in common?
A shit ton.
More on that later.
Today, I want to share a recipe for a successful colonoscopy—or at least how it went down for me.
Look, anything related to our bodies, especially women, when it comes to “down there” somehow remains a mystery. Although there’s plenty of information on the internet, there is nothing like personal experience, and that’s what I want to share with you so you have an idea of what to expect when you’re expecting—a colonoscopy.
On Monday, April 8th, Eclipse Day, I had a colonoscopy. It was previously scheduled for February 29th, Leap Day; oh, the jokes I could insert right here, but I won’t because I have something more important and less dramatic to share with you: a recipe for a successful and relatively painless colonoscopy prep and procedure.
I’m a 45-year-old mom of two. I lead a decently healthy lifestyle, although we could all do better, amiright? And from what the doctors tell me, I look healthy, but my grandmother had colon cancer, and they say 45 is the new 50, so if you’re 45, you can and should get screened. It could save your life.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. There was no cramping or pain associated with the prep. The worst part was seeing what was inside my body. The no eating the day before was rough too, but downing a half gallon of prep will take care of that pretty quickly.
If I could offer any advice about the prep, it would be to buy it yourself. Don’t order it from the doctor’s office. They wanted to charge me $40 for Gatorade, Miralax and Dulcolax tablets when I probably paid a total of $20 for all of it at Wal-Mart.
Doctor’s Prep Recipe:
238 gram bottle of Miralax (the big bottle)
2 Dulcolax tablets
64 ounces of Gatorade or Propel Zero for diabetics or Crystal Light (No red, orange or purple)64 ounces of Gatorade or Propel Zero for diabetics or Crystal Light (No red, orange or purple)
The Day Before:
In the morning, mix the entire bottle of Miralax with the 64 ounces of Gatorade. I used an empty 2 Liter Dr. Pepper Bottle but an empty milk jug would be better. I wasn’t able to get the last four ounces of Gatorade in the 2 Liter bottle so I just didn’t drink it. Shh, don’t tell my doc.
No eating the day before. Only clear liquids. No milk and nothing with pulp. Broth, jello, and popsicles are ok if they aren’t red, orange, or purple.
At noon, take 2 Dulcolax tablets.
At 4 pm drink half the Miralax/Gatorade solution as fast as you can.
The Morning Of:
Five hours prior to your procedure, finish the rest of the solution and nothing to eat or drink after that.
*Because I’m an overachiever and because I stay constipated if I don’t watch what I eat, I started my prep a day early. Plus, I was miserable, bloated, and about to start my period, so I thought I should get a head start.
My Prep Recipe:
119g bottle of Miralax
2 Dulcolax tablets
Followed (mostly) the doctor’s Day Before and Morning Of instructions
2 Days Before:
I drank half of a 119g bottle of Miralax around 10am and took 2 Dulcolax tablets before I went to bed. I mixed the Miralax with my coffee. It’s tasteless, so it can go in anything.
The Day Before:
I followed the ‘day before’ instructions, but because I can’t read instructions I took the 2 Dulcolax tablets at bedtime instead of noon, like I was supposed to.
The Morning Of:
I downed the rest of the mix and hoped for the best.
Here’s what I learned along my two-day journey to my colonoscopy. Our bodies are disgusting. There is approximately six feet of colon you are trying to clean out in a short period of time. That’s longer than I am tall. On top of that, I started my period the day before my procedure, so I was extra rank. But I was happy to kill two birds with one stone and get it all out of the way. So, if you need permission to have your colonoscopy on your period, here’s your permission.
Anyway, I believe that if you do your homework and maybe start a little earlier on your prep, your colonoscopy experience can be relatively painless, although still disgusting.
There is no getting around it.
There’s all kinds of information on the internet about what not to eat 5-6 days prior to your procedure. It would behoove you to look at those. I didn’t and made the mistake of eating like it was my last day on earth all the way up until midnight the night before my only liquids day. Don’t be me.
They are right when they say stay posted up next to a toilet. As you empty out your bowels, you will see and smell things that just shouldn’t exist or be allowed to happen in our sensory periphery.
You mean THAT has been in me all this time?! It will make you never want to eat again and have you convinced your own body is slowly poisoning you via your digestive system.
As you pee out of your asshole for the next 24-48 hours, make sure to stay hydrated.
Here’s where the Mountain Dew comes in. You are officially ready for your procedure when you're peeing what looks like Mountain Dew out of your asshole.
I bet some of you will never look at Mountain Dew the same again. You’re welcome. It’s a great time to lay off the caffeine anyway.
I didn’t know this handy little tidbit of information until the fucking morning of when my mom, who’d been through 3 colonoscopies and with me through the whole prep, decided to tell me when I asked her how I knew if I was ready.
I wanted to be a good student, and after everything I went through, I didn’t want to have to repeat the procedure because my shit was blocking the doc’s view. But here I was, 3 hours before the procedure, still shitting brown.
As with many things in life, the universe handed me a Hail Mary at the hospital. I had an hour to wait in the waiting room, and I was going back and forth to the bathroom praying with every visit to the toilet that I had achieved Mountain Dew status.
On the 4th and final trip, 15 minutes before they called me back, it happened.
I got back to my chair and whispered to my mom, “We have achieved Mountain Dew status; I repeat, we have achieved Mountain Dew status.”
And just like that, my ass closed up shop, and I didn’t shit myself in the waiting room or on the operating table. The timing was impeccable and nothing short of magic.
My colonoscopy went as planned and my colon was squeaky clean. When I came out of the procedure and came to I was told I had 6 polyps that were removed via cold snare, which in layman's terms means lasso, basically.
The number 6 and I don’t get along. It likes to show up, poking its ugly head into everything in my life, so fuck you #6, and fuck you colon cancer.
The report also stated the procedure was difficult due to my tortuous colon.
Tortuous. Wow, do I know a lot about that word. I’m not sure what redundancy means when referring to my colon, but redundant seems appropriate. Those polyps sure were, and so, apparently, will be the colonscopies in my future.
Because they found so many, I have to repeat the procedure in 3 years instead of 5 or 10 like normal people, but I’ll repeat it as many times as I need to keep colon or colorectal cancer in check. There’s a rise in the amount of young(ish) people being diagnosed with colon cancers, so if you are 45, please do yourself a favor and get screened.
You’ll be glad you did. I know I am.
Below are my test results so you know what to expect if they find polyps during your colonoscopy. And a polyp pic just for funsies, isn’t it pretty?
Precancerous Polyp-Let the nipple jokes begin.
All of my polyps were found to be precancerous. I was told through the messaging system on my patient portal to “pls return in 3 years,” and then I got a call from the spiritual care center to see how I was doing. Well, I don’t know doc, you tell me, should I pray?
*Disclaimer: This is my personal experience, and every patient experience can be different. This information is not meant to replace your doctor’s recommendations or directives. It should be used for informational purposes only.
And entertainment, because let’s face it, shit’s funny.
